in lieu of a field guide: The Rings of Saturn: The anatomy lesson

in lieu of a field guide: The Rings of Saturn: The anatomy lesson: In the opening chapter an unnamed narrator talked about a certain journey he undertook alone in Suffolk county in 1992. A year later he w...

the new Petzold film, "Barbara" has a direct reference to this moment in Sebald's text "The Rings of Saturn." I'm still synthesizing my experience of "Barbara" but I was particularly excited to see this, and thought it was worth mention.

independence day chronicles

Last night, I left my wallet behind whilst riding the 49 back to Capitol Hill. It always happens this way -- I'm glancing down at my wallet, thinking, "I should probably put this in my bag." And then I answer myself with the ridiculous, "Oh, no, I should not do that, I'm going into a bar, and I would never want to be that asshole helplessly rummaging through a bag for 10 minutes." (the bouncer always cards me within 10 seconds of walking in, and this happens every time.)

So what happens? I get down to the Montana to meet up with my friend and creative partner, he's a bit older than me and already only takes me so seriously, and I have no wallet, no ID. He tells me to sit down, relax, and "act adult", and proceeds to buy me two rounds of drinks. He introduces me to his friend and we have a fascsinating conversation about Vietnam -- his cousin died in Cambodia, apparently (yeah.)The night ends and the two gentlemen very kindly hand me some cash so as for me to hail a cab ride home. And feeling much like an asshole, I hail a cab ride home and find my roommates dancing in the living room.

Anyway, long story short, apparently some gentleman by the name of Jeff found my wallet on the bus, and rather than turning it into the police, saw the uniqueness that is my name and decided to look me up. He found my Vimeo profile and messaged me there. I rode my bike down to Rainier Valley to pick up the wallet, and we not only discussed my film, but he proceeded to tell me his life story. Turns out the guy writes for a newspaper, races cars in his spare time, and has access to potentially fascinating stories for documentary film.

Sometimes, people are great.

........living it out

I forgot about this old thing -- glancing through it, it's frightfully embarrassing and probably cringe-worthy but I'm always destroying things, erasing my footsteps so as not to own up. That shouldn't be happening anymore. It's funny, I was reading about my "dual lives" blogging project idea (that never actually panned out, thank God), and ... had the strangest realization. The "Dalyce" of this blog's previous posts is not the same "Dalyce" writing this now. So much has changed -- I don't know where to begin. Yet --

It's almost like I did transform into this "Patysse" character who loves and laughs and roams wantonly and freely -- It's almost as if that frustrated Dalyce of "spinsterdom" obsessed with "philosophical literature" ceased to exist. Except, not really. 

It's sort of sad -- a lot of me misses her, that frustrated, overly cynical, needy, attached girl who ate in the college cafeteria by herself and spent Friday nights holed up in her dorm reading and Saturday mornings taking solo walks around Capitol Hill talking to strangers and supporting local eateries. I really miss her -- I mean, I miss how much she used to read, at least.

And a lot of me doesn't, I mean, I guess I live my life now. I work, I volunteer, I attend film screenings and I ride a bike, I participate in social settings and I have sex. 

I don't have the patience to blog anymore. If I did take the time to blog, I would rather blog about ideas and films and books and projects -- the Dalyce from before was still overly obsessive, bitter, and possessive -- the men in my life should always be teachers (as I usually find myself a sort of teacher for them) but they don't need to be the subject of my blogs. 

And that's the part that frustrates me. If I'm not blogging about my feelings, over which men unfortunately have a strong influence, then what would I blog about? My accomplishments? My criticisms? My activities? All of these are worthy subjects, to be sure, but then I'd feel like I was either yuppifying or hipsterifying myself -- those aren't words, winning over here, but that's the thing. Everyone (in this city, especially) is SO obsessed with selling themselves, with talking themselves up, with impressing everyone. I want to be around people who are people -- I want to watch them laugh and cry and throw back shots. 

Granted, I'm always attracted to creative people and there is nothing that exults me and fills me up more than the company of a person who acts on his passions -- but that's the thing. It's never the product itself I'm impressed by, impressed isn't even the right word, but it's the act of creating itself, of channeling your energies into something that fills you up, that fills me up. 

Now I'm rambling, I guess the content of my blog is going to be the same as it's always been -- maybe I'll throw a bit of everything in here -- just know that I don't care about your credentials or your status as an "Award winning filmmaker" or your fellowships or how many non-profits you've started -- I care about your essence and I want you to care about mine.

Speaking of award winning filmmakers, it feels like everyone is one of those nowadays. Surf through the Kickstarter campaigns. Joe Schmo, "award winning filmmaker", trying to put his 1st feature through post ... yadda yadda yadda. 

My professor is literally going to give me a card-board cut out award and I, too, will be an award winning filmmaker. 

And that's why I don't care about your credentials. And that's why I suck at talking to people. People are always in my business -- "What do you do? Where do you work? What are you studying?" 

I'm studying life, and if you really want to get to know me, buy me a drink and we'll sing some karaoke. And if the sun is out, maybe we'll ride bikes down to Woodinville and drink there. Or what about Rattlesnake Lake? Let's splash around after a good ole hike. I'm sick of thinking, I want to keep doing.

And yet, I really  miss the Dalyce who thought and articulated those thoughts. It sounds trite but I really, really need to learn to balance both sides. 

don't get dramatic, this aint the movies

it's the start of a new quarter and Spring Break was 90% what I wanted it to be.
What makes it 90 rather than 100 is the lack of sex and my caving in. I decided I'd go easy on myself because break was pretty fucking great. Olivia, Grant, weed, Mickey's, mountains, Alice, weed, mountains. need I say more? Sex would haev been nice like I said but yeah that's another story.
About caving in, I gave in but only once, when am I going to reach the age where it is simply not okay to give in, even if it's "only once"?
What age is the age in which the phrase" I'm young, it's cool" just won't suffice anymore?
Anyway the quarter has just begun and I've already found myself too busy to think.
I sleep at night, sleep filled with intricate dreams, always a face..
And then I don't sleep at night, theological concepts, philosophical debates, selfishness, virtue, blah and z, plus chinese characters cloud my horizon, and the second sleep claims me I'm walking down the empty hallway to relieve my bladder.
That's that.

I've realized that you are not at all what I am looking for, but I am still immensely attracted to you.....Can Aleks and Patysse just make babies hold the fetus while Dalyce and Jesus continue to be best friends or whatever? And can Aleks refrain from touching other girls? No, can Aleks just be the man I want him to be? The one who can hold true to his convictions, back his arguments up, and do something with his life, do something productive, that involves his mind, and stop smoking so much weed? Okay yeah done.

I'm pretty indifferent to you, I just wish we could have had more sex. Seriously. And I do sort of kind of want to go to Austrailia with you, I just don't see how that's going to happen.

I guess that I am lonely but right now, with my studies, it doesn't seem suitable to feel that way.
I've started writing for the Spectator, my debut story, on the Collision event happening tomorrow, I'm fucking excited/nervous/determined to prove myself as a competent, insightful, succint writer......yeah this blog isn't proving that.
Anyway, I have an interview with ArtsideOut's president in one half an hour.
I started reading Anna Karenina but Theology and Rhetoric have capitalized on my reading time.

We're reading "Deep River" in my God adn Evil class and Mitsuko, out of her insecurity/lack of place/lack of self-esteem/purpose, essentailly LACK OF SELF, is prone to seek out the destruction of others. Everyone in the class keeps talking about how selfish she is, but isn't selfish the same thing as self-interested? Doesn't self-interested involve self-esteem? Doesn't self-esteem involve self-actualization? Doesn't self-actualization involve purpose, pursuing that purpose? Yeah, Mitsuko has none of these. Wouldn't a selfiish person be completely indifferent to those around him, unreliant on others, independent of others? A selfish person would not need to compensate him/herself by destroying the good in others. A selfish person would receive compensation in his achievement alone. MITSUKO IS NOT SELFISH. God how I hate these altruistic, God-loving, Brotherly love preaching Jesuits sometime.

yeah and my Rhetoric class is going to fucking rock. Chris is a sci-fi, video game nerd from the South but don't stereotype because you wouldn't know it, he's a high fallooting Dr. but has us call him Chris, he talks faster than my mom on meth and that's damn fast, plus, Rhetoric is basically the secret to how the world works.


I'm proud to say that my soul is in recovery, forrealsies this time, I'm finally reaching a state of "untouchable", I'm bored of most of my friends right now because I've realized that they were formed by similar insecurities, I'm rising above that, okay i sound like an asshole but seriously, I'm trying to broaden my horizons, realize that life is not pain, so I'm pretty much over my friend's whining that the world is out to get him and that everything is relative and that compassion/service to others is his only goal in life, and my other friend's annoying insecure timid self, seriously, get some fucking self esteem.


And this is what happens when Dalyce doesn't have time to reflect on the scattered facets of her mind. At least I'm not depressed. At least I'm not depressed. Seattle U, I fucking love you.

Oh and I guess I should mention I need a job, my credit card is literally maxed out thanks to schoolbooks, plane tickets home, and bubbletea. yesssssssssssssssss.

And new music. I seriously have no ear for new music, I mean, I could spend a week telling you about the variety of new /old artists I've acquired from my college friends via flashdrive/mojo, and I just can't bring myself to listen to a word of most of it. s;jakal;jjkl;d

K by, interview time.

roverondom

4:26 am,
sleep,
what's that?
tossing around
thinking about Directive 10-289
thoughts of walking off into the dark abyss, living amongst nature in a world that punishes achievers
thinking about Robin Hood, heard someone mention him the other day
"Such a good message"
Is it? Maybe when considering the corruption of aristocracy
How about now? Is it okay to take from America's achievers and give it
and love, you are what you love
thinking about Dalyce,
what have I loved?
thinking about patterns,
mental patterns,
I loved him for his mind,
His mental capacity,
His quickwitted humor,
his love for his music,
oh how I wish I could describe in words good enough the extent for my love for his love for his music,
There's nothing I love more in a human being than to see them living their passion, bringing it to life through the art of creation ***
He loved her,
what is she?
We know what is she,
A shelly mess.
You are what you love.
So what must be he?
A shellier mess,
Lacking ability to love,
Capable only of destruction,
Destruction of that which he sees beautiful in others,
thinking about how much my life has changed,
is changing,
what's the point in insomnia when you're not on drugs?
No, no,
that's old talk, that's looking through past lens
Thinking about friends here,
Thinking about him,
"I'm a relativist, I feel like absolutism is so close minded."
Close minded? I used to think this to be a shortcoming,
And there's no doubting that it can be,
The thing with relativism is,
And "open minded"
Is that everyone preaches it,
how easy it is to preach,
yet know one lives by it.
Is it relative that you get your college education?
Is it relative that I refrain from taking a sledgehammer to your dog?
Is it relative that your roommate refrain from shitting all over your balls?
Yeah, tell me some more about your relativist philosophy.
He's such a whiner.
Is it the world's obligation to please him?
I don't think so.
Why are we friends?
We understand each other,
Our insecurity is the same,
What the fuck kind of friendship is that?
I hope no one finds this
that would be awful
No, why do I say that?
I should be honest.
Right now I'm thinking about philogy,
Tolkien was a philogist, I didn;'t know this.
I want to reread Roverendom.
I want to watch Contact.
It had such a good message, once stripped of its mainstream hollywood tendencies
Why doesn't C-Street open for another two hours?
I'm not sleeping tonight.
Bye.

*** this poem sucks, I'm glad I no longer try to write poetry but honestly, this line still resonates with me -- I still feel this way, and this sentiment is growing, and I am so happy that I am attracting more and more creative, passionate persons into my life. Nothing makes me happier than to see someone living out their passions to the fullest.

hi world,

I hate rejection notices.
I hate them.
And I will not have them in my life.